Tips for Building Emotional Resilience for Now and Beyond
We often see a lot of focus on building resilience in children. However, from my experience, my 40s have provided the most challenging of life events. Losing my dad to Lewy Body Dementia was a knee-buckling experience which required me to lean on the majority of the resilience tools in my tool-box.
The experience has inspired me to build more resilience tools as I brace myself for any future storms.
In our middle age, it seems the storms we have to face come a little more ferociously, be that illness of loved ones, breakdown in relationships, career setbacks, or death of a parent. If there is a time to build coping skills, I would suggest midlife is an incredibly important time to do so.
The great news is that with midlife comes a greater perspective on life and experiences to draw upon to enable us to enhance resilience practice in a deeper way than when we are younger.
Some of the key areas for building our resilience are summarised below, these include: getting the basics steady, practicing optimism, leaning into difficult emotions, shifting perspective, supporting others, prioritising, and moving out of our comfort zone.
In a nutshell, resilience is our ability to bounce back from adversity. One of the most useful tools in our survival toolbox is our capacity to adapt and adjust, gain strength from challenges and move forward. Some of the tools involved are discussed below, but essentially it is about finding what helps to enhance our strength in tough situations and changing how we process negative life events.
““Resilience is not what happens to you. It’s how you react to, respond to, and recover from what happens to you.” ”
This quote by Jeffrey Gitomer highlights the idea that resilience is not just about facing adversity, but also about how we choose to respond to it. It suggests that resilience is a skill that can be learned and developed, rather than something that some people are simply born with.
Emotional resilience is an important set of skills for us to nurture and can help us to struggle less, feel less overwhelmed, less worried, less anxious, and generally feel more in control of things. Emotional resilience feels good for both ourselves and for those around us whom we love.
““Emotional resilience is not the absence of distress or difficulty. Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt and grow in the face of adversity.” ”
The basics
If you want to develop more emotional resilience, start by focusing first on strengthening the foundations. This is all about establishing: a consistent and sustainable daily and weekly routine, having a good diet, enough sleep, moving your body regularly and connecting with others.
Consistent and sustainable daily and weekly routines provide structure and stability, which can help reduce feelings of chaos and uncertainty during challenging times. Having a routine can also provide a sense of control over our lives, which is especially important when facing unexpected difficulties.
A good diet provides the necessary nutrients to fuel our body and brain, which can help improve mood, cognitive function, and overall physical health. This, in turn, can help us better cope with stress and adversity.
Getting enough sleep is essential for our body to recover and repair, which is important for our overall physical and emotional health. Sleep also helps with cognitive function and memory, which can be helpful when dealing with difficult situations.
Moving our body regularly has been shown to improve mood, reduce stress, and boost energy levels. Exercise can also help with sleep quality and cognitive function, which can all contribute to our overall resilience.
Connecting with others is important for social support, which can provide emotional and practical help during difficult times. Social support has been shown to improve mental health outcomes and can help us better cope with stress and adversity.
Practising optimism
Practicing optimism does not mean ignoring the reality of a difficult situation. Realistic optimism involves being aware of our weaknesses and limitations. It starts with accepting that bad things can happen to us all. A realistic optimist acknowledges the challenge in a more hopeful way by saying something like “this is going to be hard, but it is a chance for us to re-think and adjust our goals to find a way forward that makes us happy and fulfilled”.
If you find it difficult to adopt an optimistic perspective, you may consider seeking support from those around you whose optimistic voice you can draw upon. Ask yourself, "what would my most optimistic friend say in this situation?" . We are influenced by those we spend the most time with, so try to spend more time with optimistic people and notice how they view life's ups and downs. This may help you to cultivate a more optimistic outlook on life.
““Adversity is not a purely negative experience; it’s an opportunity for growth and learning.” ”
Angela Duckworth is a psychologist and the author of the best-selling book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance". In this quote, Duckworth emphasises the idea that experiencing adversity can actually be a positive thing because it can provide an opportunity for personal growth and learning. By reframing adversity in this way, Duckworth suggests that people can develop a greater emotional resilience by embracing challenges and viewing them as opportunities for growth.
Gratitude journalling can create a good space to practice nurturing a positive mindset. Gratitude journaling involves regularly reflecting on the things in your life that you are grateful for and recording them in a journal. It encourages us to focus on the good things in their life, which can help shift our attention away from negative thoughts and emotions. This can create a positive mental space that fosters feelings of happiness, contentment, and wellbeing.
Lean into difficult emotions
When we are going through a difficult time, we often want to avoid difficult emotions. This can act as a paradox, the very emotion you are trying to avoid very often persists. The more we try not to think about our grief, the more it preoccupies us. The more we try not to think about what is worrying us and push it away, the more our brain tunes into the anxious thoughts because we must first notice anxiety in order to push it away. Like a Chinese finger trap or a tug of war, the more we resist, the more it persists.
Mindfulness helps us to be more here-and-now focused, to notice emotions and makes space for them.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a therapy that incorporates self-compassion, mindfulness and values work. I used ACT skills in my own journey to start to accept thoughts and feelings, rather than try to control or suppress them, and commit my actions to align more with my values.
Practising shifting perspective
Adversity is easier to cope with if we can recognise that this is not the most horrible thing we have ever faced or will ever face. By exploring our story and reframing it in a more positive and realistic light, we can develop a sense of resilience that helps us cope with future challenges. This can be an important step in the healing process and can help us feel better about our life and future.
Narrative therapy is a type of therapy that aims to help us understand and reframe our personal stories, with the goal of promoting healing and positive change. Tragic experiences can shatter our sense of safety and change the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. Studies have shown that by rewriting our narrative, we can shape our view of ourselves, others, and the world around us.
It provides a sense of agency. By exploring our story and reframing it, we can take ownership of our experiences and gain a sense of control over our lives. This can be empowering and can help us feel less helpless and victimised.
Changing the narrative can reduce shame and self-blame. People who have experienced trauma can often struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame. By exploring our story and identifying the cultural and social factors that contributed to our experiences, we can reduce these negative feelings and start to see ourselves in a more positive light.
Narrative editing can help us reframe the traumatic experience in a way that harms us less today. It might focus on how the experience has helped us grow and develop. It might focus on the connections and new experiences created since the traumatic experience. This can help us find meaning and purpose in our experiences, which can be an important step in the healing process.
Regular journaling is a good space to record our thoughts and feelings. Returning to these and having a go at reframing the most upsetting thoughts with words that are more kind, compassionate, optimistic, or hopeful can be a helpful perspective practice exercise.
Enhancing your relationships & supporting others
Resilience studies have shown that people are more resilient when they have a support network of family, friends and colleagues around us. Feeling supported and cared for helps to enhance resilience. It helps us feel connected and valued and will strengthen resilience. Having a network of supportive people to turn to for guidance, encouragement, and emotional support can help reduce feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression, which can all erode resilience.
Offering support to others gives us a sense of meaning and purpose, as well as a focus that is outside of ourselves and our own suffering. Supporting others can also contribute to our own sense of purpose and self-esteem.
Helping others can in tern help us develop a more positive self-image, feel more competent and capable, and give us a sense of purpose beyond our own needs and struggles. This sense of purpose and connection to something bigger than ourselves can contribute to a stronger sense of emotional resilience.
Furthermore, supporting others can also help us develop important social and emotional skills, such as empathy, compassion, and active listening. These skills can be valuable when navigating our own difficult emotions and experiences, as well as when supporting others who may be struggling. Developing these skills can increase our emotional intelligence and help us build stronger and more fulfilling relationships, which can in turn support our emotional resilience.
Prioritising
We may learn something about ourselves during hardship. It can help clarify what really matters to us. What our values are will ultimately drive where best to place our energies. Values are a set of principles, standards or qualities that are considered important. They can be personal, such as honesty, kindness, or respect, or societal, such as justice, freedom, or equality. Values play an important role in shaping our identity, our relationships, and our actions, and can provide a sense of purpose and meaning in life.
We will never regret putting our energies into things that are in line with our values and that give us meaning and purpose. Value-driven actions are the things that can help push us through adversity.
Within our efforts to prioritise where our energies are put, consider the space you need to rest, recovery and heal. Very often the things we used to enjoy, our hobbies, creative and sporty activities are the first to be dropped, which interns further effects our mood negatively.
After my dad died, all I wanted to do was hibernate, shut out the complexities of the world outdoors and keep life simple. After a while of this, I forced myself to say yes to the odd bike ride or walk, and slowly but surely I regained that important part of my old routine, the things that were my version of self-care. Prioritising these healthy and helpful behaviours, before I felt 100% up to it, offered me the change of scenery I needed and the perspective shift that getting outside bought with it.
Reflecting on which activities used to ‘fill your cup up’ and gradually bringing them back into your life, is about making the space for your recovery and repair at this time. For some, that might be traditional pampering activities such a taking a bath, others self-care could be going for a walk, gardening, cycling or swimming. Whatever your version of self-care is, prioritising these in moderation is always good.
Set yourself out of your comfort zone tasks.
Resilience does not just grow from negative experiences. You can help grow the skills of resilience by setting yourself challenging tasks.
These challenges can help you develop new skills, overcome fears and limitations, and build confidence in your ability to handle difficult situations.
By taking on challenges outside of your comfort zone, you are also taking proactive steps to face potential stressors and develop a sense of mastery over them. This can help you feel more in control and better equipped to handle future stressors.
Additionally, stepping outside of your comfort zone can help you build resilience to stress by exposing you to new experiences and perspectives. This can help broaden your perspective and increase your ability to adapt to change, which is an important component of emotional resilience.
Resilience is not about being fearless or never feeling discouraged. It's about taking one step at a time, even when the path is uncertain.
It's about finding the strength to get back up and keep going, even when you've stumbled. With each step, you build your resilience and come closer to achieving your goals.
This year, I am challenging myself to participate in a difficult sporting event to raise funds for Alzheimers Research UK. I will be doing this with some of my closest and most positive friends. Not only is this event aligned with my personal values, but I also believe it will help me continue to develop greater emotional resilience.
Resilience is a skill that can be developed rather than a trait that some are born with. Building resilience involves getting the basics steady, practicing optimism, leaning into difficult emotions, shifting perspective, supporting others, prioritising, and moving out of our comfort zone.
Emotional resilience helps to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed, worried, and anxious.
To build strong foundations, it is necessary to establish a consistent daily routine, eat well, sleep adequately, exercise regularly, and connect with others. Practicing gratitude journaling and reframing adversity as an opportunity for growth and learning can help nurture a positive mindset.
Written by Lisa Johnston
CBT & EMDR Therapist
