Perfectionism, at first glance, can seem like an admirable quality. Striving for excellence often leads to success, discipline, and recognition. But beneath this façade lies a paradox: the pursuit of perfection often results in dissatisfaction, frustration, and even emotional turmoil.
Perfectionism often begins as an attempt to create order and predictability in an unpredictable world—a form of control, or rather, the illusion of it. For some, this approach works initially, but over time, it can spiral into burnout, exhaustion, and anxiety.
Nature itself provides us with examples of perfection: a circle, where all points are equidistant from the centre, or a snowflake, with its unique symmetrical structure. Yet humans are inherently flawed. Unlike geometric shapes or natural phenomena, we are biologically, psychologically, and emotionally complex, making it impossible to meet every standard of “perfection” simultaneously.
The pitfalls of perfectionism and its vicious cycle
The relentless pursuit of perfection usually comes at a cost.
The perfectionist's contradiction: the more you perfect the more you slip - Perfectionists often demand excellence in every area of their lives, prioritising responsibilities over personal pleasure. Over time, cracks begin to show. Maintaining such rigorous standards requires immense energy and resources, and inevitably, perfectionists face the reality that our physical, emotional, and mental capacities are finite.
The need to eliminate every little imperfection leads to emotional and physical exhaustion. This exhaustion often results in more mistakes and increased "imperfection"—exactly what the perfectionist fears the most.
The inner critic: a battle within - Perfectionists can be their own worst critics, feeling inadequate when they fail to meet their impossibly high standards. Their internal dialogue is often harsh and unforgiving: “If I’m not perfect, I’m inadequate.”
Unlike the imposter, who fears external judgment, the perfectionist’s battle lies within. Their low tolerance for mistakes—often their own but sometimes others’—leads to frustration, guilt, and a perpetual loop of dissatisfaction.
Perfectionists often feel trapped in their own standards, unable to enjoy successes because they’re focused on what could have been done better. As Giorgio Nardone puts it, “Failures are worth double, while success is worth nothing.” This mindset prevents them from feeling satisfied, no matter how much they achieve.
Perfection over pleasure: the weight of guilt.
Perfectionists often see relaxation as wasted time, meaning downtime comes with sense of guilt. While others are enjoying hobbies or binge-watching Netflix guilt-free, the perfectionist is stuck in an endless loop of “should be doing something productive” thoughts.
They tend to prioritise obligations over leisure, leading to an unending cycle of dissatisfaction.
The more unfulfilled they feel, the more they push themselves to maintain a sense of control—an illusion that only deepens their dissatisfaction. Over time, this constant sacrifice of pleasure for duty can leave them feeling emotionally numb, to the point where they lose sight of what truly brings them happiness.
Strained relationships: the impact on others.
Perfectionism doesn’t just impact the individual, it can create tension in relationships as well in multiple ways:
• High Expectations: Perfectionists may expect others to meet the same high standards, leading to conflict or resentment when those standards are not aligned.
• Pressure from others: Their perfectionist behaviour and meticulous way of doing things often lead to higher expectations from others. Over time, these expectations become increasingly difficult to meet, adding even more pressure to the already significant burden they place on themselves. Eventually, this can result in the very mistakes they fear most, with those natural imperfections being magnified and overly criticised by others. It’s almost as if perfectionists inadvertently cultivate an environment where those around them develop a lower tolerance for their mistakes.
• The scratch on the pristine car: The third, and perhaps most impactful, is how perfectionists can be perceived by others. I like to use the “scratch on the pristine car” metaphor because it captures this perfectly: imperfections—whether in themselves or others—become glaringly visible on "pristine surfaces" and can be difficult to tolerate. Sometimes, being around a perfectionist highlights our own flaws, which can make them seem irritating to some. In response, the perfectionist often doubles down, trying even harder to be perfect, perpetuating a self-reinforcing cycle.
The hidden gem of the perfectionist
Perfectionists’ true strength lies in their drive for growth and improvement, not just for themselves, but also for others and the world around them. Perfectionists often exhibit a strong sense of duty and hold themselves to high standards. Perfectionists are clear thinkers, decisive, and motivated to better themselves and the world around them. But the secret for success is to manage these traits without becoming overwhelmed. Learning to balance the drive for improvement with the reality of human limits.
Ready to Take the Next Step? How do I break free from the perfectionism trap?
If you’ve made it this far, you may have realised that perfectionists are often looking at the wrong culprit for their constant frustration and guilt. Whilst imperfections might have been perceived as the ones to avoid, our imperfections are not just inevitable, they are essential. Mistakes and flaws allow us to learn, grow, and adapt. A “perfect” individual would have no room for improvement, limiting personal development.
No one is immune to aging or the natural limitations of their body. To seek perfection is to deny the reality of human existence. Accepting this truth can free the perfectionist from the burden of unattainable ideals. Having said that, these imperfections actually protect us from implications and consequences described above.
From a Brief Strategic Therapy (BST) perspective, perfectionism is better understood as a reaction pattern based on how individual perceive their reality. Instead of focusing on the underlying causes of perfectionism, BST targets the attempted solutions or "traps" that perpetuate this perfectionistic way of perceiving and responding to the world.
Perfectionists often engage in behaviours and thought patterns designed to gain control, avoid failure, or protect themselves from perceived inadequacy (their main traps). They tend to approach life like a marathon, but sprint the entire way. These well-intentioned strategies, while initially helpful, ultimately reinforce the perfectionistic mindset, keeping individuals stuck in a cycle of unrealistic expectations, self-criticism, and relentless pressure.
Breaking free from the cycle of perfectionism doesn’t mean giving up on high standards or personal growth. It’s important to recognise that maintaining control over every detail indefinitely is impossible. Our energies and mental resources are finite, and obsessing over every minor thing can lead to neglecting what truly matters. The key lies in choosing when to sprint and when to conserve energy, focusing on what’s most important to you.
Over time, this process helps you develop more flexible and adaptive ways of thinking and responding to challenges. As perfectionistic tendencies lose their grip, you can shift your focus from striving for unattainable perfection to embracing progress, resilience, and a healthier approach to your goals and self-worth.
Perfectionism can be a challenging mindset to break, but it is possible. If you find yourself struggling with the weight of your own high standards, the frustration of unmet expectations, or the guilt of not doing enough, know that you don’t have to face it alone. Therapy can provide you with the specific strategies needed to redefine your relationship with perfectionism and create a more balanced, fulfilling life.
So, next time you catch yourself overanalysing an email or colour-coordinating your sock drawer again, take a deep breath and remember: done is better than perfect. And Harriet Braiker said it best: “Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.”
If you want to learn more practical strategies to break free from perfectionism, contact Strategic Minds Online Brief Therapy today and book your initial consultation.
