Understanding the Signs of Emotional Distress in Children and Evidence-Based Calming Technique
As parents and caregivers, our instinct is to protect our children from stress, fear, and anxiety. However, distress doesn’t always manifest in obvious ways like tears or tantrums. Instead, it can show up as avoidance, irritability, out-of-character behaviours, disrupted sleep, stomach aches, or complete emotional shutdown. You might ask, "How was school?" or "How are you?" and get a simple "fine" or "good"—yet their behaviour and body language tell a different story.
Children often need time and space to feel safe before they can process difficult emotions. Unlike adults, they may struggle to put their feelings into words, not because they don’t want to share, but because they simply don’t yet have the language for what they’re experiencing.
These behaviours are signs that a child’s threat system is activated. Their brain perceives stress or danger, and their nervous system responds instinctively to keep them safe. Some children react with fight mode (frustration, defiance, anger), others with flight mode (restlessness, avoidance), and some with freeze or “flop” mode (shutting down, withdrawing). Recognising these patterns can help us support them in finding calm, connection, and safety.
How to Recognise When a Child's Nervous System is Dysregulated
Even when a child isn’t actively saying they feel stressed, their behaviour can give clues:
🔹 Avoidance – Suddenly not wanting to go to school, avoiding a specific activity, or making excuses.
🔹 Shut Down – Becoming unresponsive, zoning out, or going quiet in stressful situations.
🔹 Anger & Defiance – Reacting with aggression or frustration over seemingly small things.
🔹 Out-of-Character Behaviours – Being extra silly, hyperactive, or oppositional.
🔹 Disrupted Sleep – Struggling to settle at night, waking up frequently, or experiencing nightmares.
🔹 Physical Complaints – Frequent stomach aches, headaches, or general discomfort without a medical cause.
These behaviours aren’t about being "difficult", they are signals that your child is overwhelmed and struggling to regulate their emotions.
How to Help a Child Feel Safe & Calm
Helping children regulate their emotions doesn’t mean forcing them to talk or dismissing their feelings with reassurance like, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Instead, it means co-regulating, helping their nervous system calm down through connection, movement, and grounding techniques.
Here are five simple evidence-based calming strategies adapted from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques to help your child feel safe, supported, and back in control:
🌿 1. Butterfly Hug 🦋
This simple self-soothing exercise helps a child reconnect with their body when they feel overwhelmed.
✅ How to do it: Cross arms over the chest, placing each hand on the opposite upper arm. Gently tap back and forth like butterfly wings while breathing slowly.
✅ Why it works: Bilateral tapping helps to regulate the nervous system, giving the brain a sense of safety.
📖 Supporting Research: EMDR research has demonstrated that bilateral stimulation (such as tapping) can help integrate distressing memories and reduce emotional reactivity in children and adults.
🌎 2. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding
When a child is stuck in anxious overthinking or panic, grounding helps shift their focus back to the present.
✅ How to do it: Ask them to name:
🔹 5 things they see
🔹 4 things they touch
🔹 3 things they hear
🔹 2 things they smell
🔹 1 thing they taste
✅ Why it works: It activates the rational part of the brain, pulling them out of anxious thoughts.
📖 Supporting Research: Studies in Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and trauma-focused CBT highlight the effectiveness of grounding in reducing anxiety, PTSD symptoms, and emotional dysregulation.
🕯️ 3. Blow the Candle
When a child is in fight-or-flight mode, their breathing becomes shallow and rapid. This exercise helps slow it down.
✅ How to do it: Hold up a pretend candle (your finger) and ask them to take a deep breath in through their nose, then gently blow out as if they are blowing out a candle. Repeat a few times.
✅ Why it works: It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to the body that it’s safe to relax.
📖 Supporting Research: Controlled breathing is widely studied for its role in lowering cortisol (stress hormone) levels, reducing anxiety, and improving emotional regulation. It is also supported by Polyvagal Theory, which explains how breath control supports nervous system regulation.
🤲 4. Rocking or Gentle Movement
Movement helps children release built-up stress and regulate emotions.
✅ How to do it: Try rhythmic rocking, swaying together, bouncing on a yoga ball, or even acting out "trees in the wind."
✅ Why it works: Gentle movement mimics the soothing effects of being rocked as a baby, making the nervous system feel secure.
📖 Supporting Research: Studies in somatic therapies show that rhythmic movement mimics early attachment experiences, reinforcing emotional safety and stress regulation.
💖 5. Hand on Heart Breathing
Co-regulation is key—when a child mirrors a calm adult, their nervous system naturally follows.
✅ How to do it: Place a hand on your child’s heart and your own, breathing deeply together. Say:
🫁 "Breathe in calm… Breathe out worries."
✅ Why it works: Touch and rhythmic breathing create safety and connection, reinforcing secure attachment.
📖 Supporting Research: Studies on heart rate variability (HRV) and emotional regulation show that breathwork combined with physical reassurance helps children and adults develop emotional resilience.
The Best Way to Help a Child Regulate is to Stay Regulated Yourself
Your calm presence is the most powerful tool for helping a child feel safe. If their emotions are big, it’s okay to pause, breathe, and regulate yourself first before responding.
🧡 Your child doesn’t need you to have all the answers—they just need you to be there.
If your child is experiencing ongoing emotional distress, therapy can provide them with practical CBT-based tools to manage anxiety and emotional regulation in a healthy way.
Recognising when a child's nervous system is dysregulated is the first step in helping them feel safe and supported. While distress may not always show up as obvious signs of upset, subtle behaviours like avoidance, disrupted sleep, physical complaints, or emotional withdrawal can indicate that a child is struggling. Understanding these responses as part of their natural threat system, whether in fight, flight, or freeze mode, allows us to approach their distress with patience and care.
By using simple, evidence-based calming strategies, such as the Butterfly Hug, grounding exercises, and mindful breathing, we can help children reconnect with a sense of safety and self-regulation. The most powerful tool we have is our own calm presence, when we regulate ourselves, we create a secure foundation for them to do the same.
If your child is experiencing ongoing emotional distress or struggling to regulate their emotions, working with a specialist therapist can provide tailored tools and therapeutic support. Our expert child and adolescent therapists can help equip both you and your child with the strategies needed for emotional resilience and well-being.
All the techniques included in this article are rooted in psychological research and clinical practice. They are commonly used in trauma-informed therapy, CBT, DBT, somatic regulation, and attachment-based interventions to help children regulate emotions and feel safe.
While these techniques are effective self-help tools, children experiencing ongoing distress may benefit from working with a therapist trained in CBT, trauma-focused therapy, or child psychology for personalised support.
💙 If you’d like to speak with one of our expert child therapists today, we’d be happy to match you with the right support. 💙
